It’s hazardous being a female gamer. Between dodging bullets or blades in game, we also have to deftly out maneuver full frontal assaults on our e-vaginas by some misguided and seriously clueless men. It doesn’t matter how many time I say, “I have a boyfriend,” there is always that one guy in the group who just can’t seem to pick up on the hints I’m dropping. This is the story of one of those poor souls… and his "nice dick".
“T” was one of the Rank 1’s in the crew I play Heroes of the Storm with. I hadn’t actually played any games with him, so I was excited when he was invited to our group one day. Since we had a full team of five we decided to get on TeamSpeak and put on our try hard pants to grind out some wins.
Now, one thing many transsexuals say is that it’s their voice that outs them, and I totally understand that sentiment. Until I get on Voip my gender is ambiguous and I’m just a Bro like everyone else. Once they hear my voice though, it’s pretty obvious that I lack the more phallic equipment required of the boys club.
“T” was obviously very excited once I started talking. You might call bullshit that I knew right then I was going to have an uncomfortable time on my hands, but I’ve been in this rodeo for long enough now to recognize the warning signs. He was just… a little too chatty. He was telling me about his past and asking about me and where I lived. Between every game there was a full on interrogation and I, afraid to be mean, was too willing to answer questions. Plus I wanted this Rank 1 guy to play with me again and not think I was a bitch.
But then it got weird. I would make a jokey comment to the group and he would reply with a cringe-worthy response that would make the whole chat go silent for a few minutes as we all wallowed in awkwardness.
Like when I added up the gems my team had on Tomb of the Spider Queen and joked “Well of course I’m good at math, I’m Asian.” He responded with, “I’ve always been really into Asian women, they’re sexy.”
Now, when I start to get the inclination that I’ve prompted a chubby in the man bits, I try and throw ice water on the situation as fast as possible. I start talking about my boyfriend a lot and make sure all my interactions with said boner are hard to construe as flirtatious.
Not that that helped at all because the next day I was getting whispers as soon as I logged on until I logged off for the night.
“Goodnight sexy Asian.”
One time he even told me he was going to Japanese Festival and that he wished I was going with him. Oh, and that I could leave my boyfriend and then I could go to things like that with him.
It’s was about this time I realized I had a serious problem on my hands that needed dealing with. But I felt really apprehensive about doing the mature thing and telling this guy I wasn’t interested and was a little freaked out by his advances. Like, how is one supposed to do that? Does no one else get panicky at the thought? How does one start that conversation?
“Hey, can you stop hitting on me?”
But that also just seemed crazy to me. How could he just not know that I WASN’T THAT INTO HIM!? I barely talked to him outside of when we were playing matches together, and even then it was just “Hi”, “Lol”, and “Goodnight”. I even stopped doing smiley faces because you know how those little emoticon bastards can get misconstrued. I felt like the burden of disappointing someone was on myself, and completely unasked for.
So what did I do? I pretended the problem would just go away on its own.
I’d been blowing “T” off for days but he didn’t seem to be dissuaded. Whenever he asked if I wanted to play I gave some excuse why I couldn’t, or made sure I already had a spot in a group before logging on. His messages didn’t slow down, but slowly the content started to shift. He would get almost angry I wasn’t playing with him and the tone of the messages had dejected puppy smell all over them.
“You’re just always playing with other people.”
So late one night, after all my other friends had gone to bed but I was still in the throes of gamers’ insomnia, I decided to give in to "T’s" non-stop badgering and play some games with him. I jumped in TeamSpeak, said hi to everyone, and immediately started getting hit on by some new guy in the group. My god, it was a nightmare. Not only did I lose 2 full ranks, but I had to deal with some new mouth breather asking about my ethnicity and telling me, again, how sexy Japanese women are.
And that wasn’t even the highlight of the whole night. At the end of our string of losses, T ended up going ballistic on his friend and they both screamed at each other for 10 minutes in front of the rest of us.
Color me crazy, but is there anything less attractive than two men yelling at each other in public while they both have to press the Ctrl key to speak? It was almost comedic with that little Team Speak chirp happening before each of them spoke.
*Chirp* Fuck you.
*Chirp* No fuck you. You’re bad and your calls were bad.
*Chirp* Oh yea, that’s only because you always have to be in charge. Who you trying to impress?
And that’s when it hit me, this wasn’t just game related, we had a good ‘ol pissing contest on our hands. Before things got any more National Geographic Special I quickly ninja logged for the night.
When I logged on the next day I had a whole backlog of messages from T. He apologized for his behavior, then defended his behavior, then called me a sexy Asian again. I decided that the best course of action moving forward was just to be even more cautious in my interactions with him since I didn’t feel like losing any more games or dealing with testosterone fueled rages. Basically, I ignored all the messages and continued to avoid him.
Suffice it to say, my tactic didn’t work as planned. T wasn’t getting the message (or lack thereof), and was badgering me with messages complaining every day that I wasn’t playing with him.
And then it happened.
“I’ve got a nice dick.”
(Good thirty seconds where I’m trying to decide how the hell to respond to that.)
“Does that make you want to play with me?”
Bro, I don’t give a shit about your penis. It could cum buttercream frosting and I couldn’t be less interested. And I’m unclear on how exactly getting the D makes me more willing to play video games with you. Does your nice dick somehow make up for the fact you frontline Kael’thas and feed kills? Didn’t think so. And what exactly are the parameters for a “Nice Dick.” Do you have a Certificate of Authenticity from the American Genital Club? Did you recently win Best of Show at the 2015 PenisCon? Can I get some references at least?
Of course, in true Mae form, I simply pretended I didn’t see it and queued up for another game.
And I’d like to say "T" eventually got the message, or that I eventually grew up enough to have a sensible conversation with the guy, but we all know I’m not there yet. I’m still mostly ignoring him and he’s still begging the sexy Asian to play with him.
(In fact, as I'm writing this, this great conversation just happened:)
T: Would you like to do a few games with me?
Me: I told J and Funk I'd play with them, sorry.
T: Screw J
T: Alright then
(2 minutes go by.)
T: I bet I have a bigger dick than all them other guys you like playing with.
T: and probably better looking too -- former marine u can't beat that.
Maybe It's finally time to deal with this...